My thanks to Mike L.
Age By Wal-Mart
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house
mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room,
or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You
have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with
the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what,
and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great
home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to
get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your
hair,
brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself
in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because
you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in
the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running
the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change
shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still
got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you
went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweat shirt that is long enough
to
cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes
and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost
empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age
and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your
hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in
your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not
to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think
you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the
dog
shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole
in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you
don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have
your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on
your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because
you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now
you
remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out
loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school
with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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