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Monday, August 9, 2010

Poker Player fixes man made global warming


Reporter: Is that you Poker Player?

Poker Player: And who else would be answering my phone?

Reporter: I wouldn’t know.

Poker Player: I know, but thanks for calling. I guess you got my message.

Reporter: Yeah.

Poker Player: So. What do you think?

Reporter: Well, I don’t understand.

Poker Player: About what?

Reporter: If I understand this you want me to help you fix the county fair best hog contest.

Poker Player: That’s about it..

Reporter: ……by threatening to expose the actions of the judges…

Poker Player: Yeah, I figure Mayor Jones won’t want everyone to know him and his secretary spend lunch every Thursday down at the Shady Pines motel…

Reporter: Everybody already knows that…

Poker Player: And that Councilman Smith went to the Gay Pride parade in Pelosi Town.

Reporter: Everybody already knows that…

Poker Player: Yeah, but it ain’t been in the paper..

Reporter: That would make me liable…

Poker Player: It ain’t libel if it’s true.

Reporter: Not libel. It’d make me liable to get fired.

Poker Player: Oh. But it’s for a good cause.

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: You betcha. The fight against man made global warming is important…

Reporter: So is my job.

Poker Player: And even Dr. Schneider said, “Each of us has to decide the right balance between being effective and being honest.”

Reporter: You been goofing around on the Internet again.

Poker Player: Well, sometimes the on line games get boring.

Reporter: When did you get interested in manmade global warming?

Poker Player: Well, it’s been on my mind ever since that government man caused all my chicks to die by making me use CFL’s…

Reporter: I see.

Poker Player: Yeah. That was terrible. So I started reading up…..

Reporter: I see.

Poker Player: And I’ve figured out what’s causing it.

Reporter: Many scientists say it’s man made carbon dioxide… some blame cycles in the sun’s radiance…

Poker Player: They’re all wrong.

Reporter: All? Wrong?

Poker Player: Yeah. It is black hogs.



Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: Yeah. You see, I read that black objects absorb heat and then release that heat when things start to cool…

Reporter: Yeah.

Poker Player: And white objects reflect much of the heat… so black hogs hold the heat in that the white hogs were reflecting...

Reporter: So? Hogs?

Poker Player: Yeah. Now I know you ain’t been around here and don’t know anything about farming..

Reporter: True.

Poker Player: Well, for years and years, up until the early 80’s most folks cooked their food in lard.

Reporter: Lard?

Poker Player: Yeah, lard. You make it from hog fat.

Reporter: Huh? Yeah. After you kill hogs you trim the fat and cook it down and make lard.

Poker Player: And white’s had more fat than blacks…



Reporter: I don’t see..

Poker Player: I know you don’t. Now listen. About that time everybody got all excited about having too much fat in their food....

Reporter: Yeah…

Poker Player: So all the farmers started raising blacks…

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: They have less fat. So we wound up with thousands upon thousands of black hogs laying around just soaking up the sunshine and radiating it back when the sun went down…

Reporter: Good heavens……

Poker Player: Yeah. Now I’ve applied for a government grant…

Reporter:……to raise white hogs…

Poker Player: You catch on quick.

Reporter: I feel queasy.

Poker Player: Don’t hang up….

Reporter… and you want me to help you fix the Best Hog of Show so that your whites win…

Poker Player:… Yeah. After that I figure everybody will start raising whites and the world will be saved!

Reporter: Have you done any studies on any of this?

Poker Player: Yeah, but as soon as I did the trick on the data I destroyed the original….

Reporter: I hope you haven’t been sending any emails…

Link to Schenider.

Other Poker Player adventures.

Poker Player kills rats.

Poker Player visits Arizona

Poker Player raises chickens.

Poker Players solves AIDS epidemic.

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“Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants. It is the creed of slaves.” - William Pitt

"Logic. There is little logic among the cultural elite, maybe because there is little omnipresent fear of job losses or the absence of money, and so arises a rather comfortable margin to indulge in nonsense." - Victor Davis Hanson