Friday, April 23, 2010
Skinks in the rural south are an important part of the environment. Huge eaters of mosquitoes, flies, ticks, spiders and other insects they play a vital and necessary part in preventing the spread of disease like rocky mountain spotted fever southern version, AIDS, STD's and others.
But this year skinks are in short supply. This reporter sought out noted retired salesman and road grader operator, AKA Poker Player, to discuss this burning issue.
Reporter: Tell us, Poker Player, what is the cause of the shortage?
Poker Player: Well, uh, I'm pretty sure it's global warming.
Reporter: Interesting. What brings you to that conclusion?
Poker Player: Well, we had a super cold winter, one of them thin the herd ones and we all know that global warming causes massive snow falls and cold weather.. And boy did we have one. Why my utility bill last month...
Reporter: Well, I'm sure that bill was higher...
Poker Player: Higher than a cat's back, but then it turned warm and without a lot of skinks around, well, I tell you Old Yeller has ticks galore and fleas out the wazoo! You should see him scratch. I call it "Old Yeller playing his fiddle."
Reporter: So there's no doubt that we have an infestation?
Poker Player: No doubt. It is an inconvenient truth.
Reporter: Just how bad is the problem? Have you engaged the services of some skink scientists?
Poker Player: No need to. I just did a quick survey and found that the two that always lived in that brush pile out back by the garden are gone. Then I found only one out by the rotten oak stump where there were always four or five, so that is a shortage of six. I then figured that since we're talking 20 acres here and since per acre you could have 30 stumps and brush piles on the front ten and 50 on the back ten... and that shows a shortage of 1800 and 3000... If you're having trouble visualizing it think of it as a hockey stick..
Reporter: Hockey stick?
Poker Player: Yeah you know. Starts out smooth and straight and then curves up real fast. Gives you an idea of how serious this is.
Reporter: I see. Have you discussed this with any of your friends?
Poker Player: Oh yeah. Lots of'em.
Reporter: Well, what did they say?
Poker Player: They all agreed that was a mighty slick way to figure out the missing skinks.
Poker Player: Old man Jones claimed he couldn't make the numbers work for him but then I showed him the trick of assuming that all those trees in his yard had been cut down making excellent skink homes for the skinks that aren't here.
Reporter: That's fantastic. You are a true visionary.
Poker Player: Aw, it ain't nothing.
Reporter: Do you have a solution?
Poker Player: Well, it seems pretty obvious. We need to get in the skink raising business.
Reporter: And how do you do that?
Poker Player: Well, I got me an Alpha male. Now if I can get a government grant for say, $20 million I can capture me some female skinks, make some extra stumps and brush piles and let old Blue Tail go to town.
Poker Player: But we need to hurry. I hear STD's and such is spreading fast, especially in certain Ladies of the Evening.
Poker Player: Yeah. I figure I will need to reform these Ladies and get the men who, uh.... associated very closely with them off the street.
Reporter: And that will cost?
Poker Player: Oh about $50 million for the Ladies and another $20 million for equipment for the men.
Reporter: Equipment for the men???
Poker Player: Yeah, computers. You know, so they can watch porn and play choke the chicken...
Reporter: Wow. How far sighted. But do you actually think the government would pay for such?
Poker Player: Heck, don't know why not. Look what they did for the SEC, and that wasn't even a program to stop disease.........
Poker Player had to leave at that point to go join his previously scheduled game. But he promises to keep us posted on his progress in skink raising.
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