Friday, April 30, 2010

Poker Player raises chickens

Reporter: Well Poker Player, I thought I would check back with you and see how your plan for stamping out AIDS through insect control using Skinks is coming.

Poker Player: Well, it’s a little slow. I thought I had all those forms the Feds want filled out right, but no matter what I did it was always wrong.

Reporter: Wrong?

Poker Player: Yeah. No matter what I tried it just didn’t work. So I called the White House…

Reporter: White House?

Poker Player: Yep. No need to goof around is the way I saw it.

Reporter: How’d that work out?

Poker Player: No problem. They gave me the name of this Consultant in Getting Money From The Feds. In Chicago.

Reporter: Chicago?

Poker Player: Yep. He’s on the South Side, can’t remember the neighborhood…

Reporter: So he got everything fixed?

Poker Player: Uh, he told me not to use that word.

Reporter: Fixed?

Poker Player: Yeah. He said it might give people the wrong idea.

Reporter: I see.

Poker Player: And he was real disappointed when I told him I didn’t have any front money.

Reporter: Front money?

Poker Player: That’s what he called it. But he said that wouldn’t stop us. He said if I cut him on this thing for 90% everything would be slick as snot on a door knob.

Reporter: 90% He wants 90%?

Poker Player: Well he said he’d need to make some contributions to the right people.... That kinda put me off for a bit, but then I decided that 10% of $50 million is better than 100% of nothing..

Reporter: So when’s the check gonna get here?

Poker Player: That's another story.

Reporter: So you are stymied in your efforts…

Poker Player: Well, I had another idea.

Reporter: And?

Poker Player: Chickens.

Reporter: Chickens?

Poker Player: Yep. They eat plenty of bugs and things, not as efficient as Skinks, but your average chicken is hell on June bugs….

Reporter: How many do you have?

Poker Player: None.

Reporter: None?

Poker Player: Well, you see I went over to the CO-OP and bought me a hundred and brought'em home and put’em in these special cages.

Reporter: Cages?

Poker Player: Well yeah. You see these chicks don’t have no Momma hen for them to cuddle to before they start getting regular feathers. So you use these cages with 90 watt light bulbs in them to keep’em all warm and happy.

Reporter: So what disease killed them?

Poker Player: Wasn’t a disease.

Reporter: No?

Poker Player: Nope, one of those guys from the Government who had came out to check on my stump and brush pile potential for Skink raising saw what was going on and pitched a fit.

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: Yeah. Said that the chickens were obviously an ancillary to the skinks which made them part of a Federal Project.

Reporter: So?

Poker Player: He said that the 90 watt bulbs was contributing to man made global warming and that they had to be replaced with CFL’s.

Reporter: CFL’s?

Poker Player: Compact Fluorescence Lighting. Why he said we could save the environment and save a ton of money because the CFL’s would produce 90 watts of light but use only 15 watts of power.....

Reporter: So you replaced the 90 watt bulbs with CFL’s that gave off 90 watts of light but only used 15 watts of power… Sounds great to me.

Poker Player: Sounds good but it didn’t work out.

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: Yeah. Everything was fine during the day… But that night the temperature dropped to about 35 and all those chicks died..

Reporter: How terrible.

Poker Player: Yeah. They needed the 90 watts of heat and the CFL’s just put out 15 watts.

Reporter: Have you spoken with your Consultant in Chicago?

Poker Player: Yeah. He said it was just an unintended consequence.

Reporter: I guess getting rid of 100 dead chicks was bad.

Poker Player: Yeah, but the real problem was the CFL’s.

Reporter: What?

Poker Player: Yeah, come to find out they have mercury in them and someone ratted me out to the EPA for dumping them in the land fill.

Reporter: I see.

Poker Player: Could be worse. I called my good buddy in Chicago and he said for the remaining 10% he would make sure I didn’t go to jail…..

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