Friday, May 21, 2010

Poker Player kills rats!

Poker Player answers phone: Hello

Reporter: Is that you Poker Player?

Poker Player: Who does it sound like?

Reporter: You.

Poker Player: Well, it must be me. Now, what you got on your mind.

Reporter: I called up to ask you about your trip to DC and the rat hunt at the White House…

Poker Player: Yeah, I figured that. How come you never call up and ask if you can help me hoe out the garden?

Reporter: The garden’s got a hoe?

Poker Player: No. Chop out the garden.

Reporter: What do you want to chop out the garden for?

Poker Player: Get rid of the weeds.

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: Never mind. What’s your question?

Reporter: Well, how did you get involved in all this?

Poker Player: Congressman Batty. You know after that rat cut across the podium while Obama was busy apologizing to somebody about America.

Reporter: Now don’t get started on that. We both know that America has many faults.

Poker Player: No. You may know. The only fault I know is that we elected Obama.. But anyhow, that’s how it got started.

Reporter: And?

Poker Player: Yeah. Obama played it cool until he got back inside. But then he started demanding a writ for the rat, or a rat for a writ…

Reporter: Wasn’t that in “True Grit?”

Poker Player: Maybe. Anyway, the justice department said they only handled two legged rats. Turned into a real scene. Anyways, Congresscritter Batty was over there taking the Prez some of our fine home grown tobacco and a machine so the Prez could make himself some ready rolls…

Reporter: Ready rolls?

Poker Player: Yeah. You know, cigarettes that are ready to smoke when you take’em out of the pack.

Reporter: Oh.

Poker Player: Anyhow, Batty tells Obama that he had the answer.

Reporter: And that was you?

Poker Player: No. My rat dog.

Reporter: Ole Yeller?

Poker Player: No. Ole Yeller is a coon dog. My fice dog. Big John.

Reporter: I’ve seen Big John and he isn’t big.

Poker Player: That’s why we call him Big John.

Reporter: And that’s why you call him Big John?

Poker Player: Surely. I keep forgetting you ain’t from around here.

Reporter: So your rat dog…

Poker Player: No. My fice dog..

Reporter: Never heard of such.

Poker Player: Fice. F I C E

Reporter: Oh, you mean Feist Dog. F E I S T

Poker Player: No. He’s a fice. What are you, a Damnyankee?

Reporter: Okay, okay. He’s your fice rat dog. What happened next?

Poker Player: Well, quicker than you can say Cock Robin they had a G-5 down here and me and Big John was on our way to DC.

Reporter: G-5?

Poker Player: Airplane. Mighty nice one, too. Obama borrowed it from Pelosi… Air Force One is too big for Junction Airport.

Besides the President and the family were using it... they were off to Indonesia or somewhere. Everybody said it would be a perfect time to get rid of the rats.

Reporter: How’d Big John like flying?

Poker Player: Loved it. Just one thing. He hiked his leg and piddled on this one seat. The guys said it was where Madam Speaker sat.

Reporter: Him hiking his leg must have made them mad.

Poker Player: Well, I thought it would. But the crew just kept saying “Good doggy” and giving him more water.

Reporter: What happened after you got to the White House?

Poker Player: Everything was going great. Big John was killing rats left and right and then disaster.

Reporter: Disaster? What happened? One of the rats hurt Big John?

Poker Player: Worse. This woman from the French Embassy showed up with a female poodle that was in heat.

Reporter: Heat?

Poker Player: In season.

Reporter: What?

Poker Player: You are slow, aren’t you. She was in a lovey dovey mood.

Reporter: Oh.

Poker Player: I tell you it was love at first sight. Big John hadn’t ever seen a dog with a bow in her hair… I mean the rat killing just left his mind.

Reporter: I bet.

Poker Player: The French lady got all excited and kept asking if Big John was fixed. I told her it looked to me like nothing was broken. She just got madder and madder.

Reporter: I am not surprised.

Poker Player: Finally this guy showed up and started poking me in the chest with his finger telling me to go away and not come back until I had the problem solved.

Reporter: What’d you do?

Poker Player: Well, we went to the hotel and I ordered up a couple of steaks for us and a six pack of Heineken.

Reporter: Heineken? No PBR?

Poker Player: Yeah. I’d gotten to like it while on the G-5. Anyhow, had me some food and beer and after awhile it came to me.

Reporter: It?

Poker Player: Yeah, I remembered that when my Daddy thought we had too many rats in the corn crib he would catch a couple of Chicken snakes and just toss him in the crib. Man you should have seen those rats leaving the barn.

Reporter: And you found some Chicken snakes?

Poker Player: Yeah. I got this guy who had been assigned to help me and we went over to the zoo…

Reporter: And they had Chicken snakes?

Poker Player: They had some fancy name for’em. Didn’t want to let us have’em but we told’em it was a national emergency and nationalized the snakes.

Reporter: Nationalized?

Poker Player: They said be careful with’em but heck, I just tossed’em in an empty feed sack and we went over to the White House.

Reporter: And turned them loose?

Poker Player: Yeah. And you should have seen those rats take off. I mean they were everywhere.

Reporter: I bet.

Poker Player: Along about then someone from the zoo figured out what the snakes were for and called over and told the guy who liked to stick his finger in my chest and he started screaming. Snakes! Snakes! Get out! Get out!

I ain't never seen a grown man get so excited over a couple of Chicken snakes.

Reporter: Works for me. So everybody ran out. No one was hurt.

Poker Player: Yeah. The finger guy kept saying that if the President and his family hadn’t been gone he’d have me arrested or something…. I told him the snakes were harmless and I’d been told that the Prez and family were gone and that was why we were doing this now.

Reporter: Did that calm him down?

Poker Player: Not much.

Reporter: So that’s why they were all angry with you.

Poker Player: Well, I thought so but I finally figured out it was that Fox News picture that they kept running every two hours for a week.

Reporter: Huh?

Poker Player: You know, the one with all the politicians running from the White House with the caption that read: “Obama out of the country! All rats gone from White House!”

Here are some other adventures of Poker Player.

Poker Player raises chickens.

Poker Player finds solution to AIDS and other diseases

Poker Player visits Arizona

submit to reddit On Twitter I am Lesabre1


  1. You shouldn't be killing rats, some of them might not be Democrats!

  2. I don't kill rats. That's Big John's job.