Monday, July 11, 2011

Something to get your week started

Funny !!!!! British Humor ENJOY

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English".

"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?".

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us."

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks, "Have you ever been bedridden?"

She says, "Yes I have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too".

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".

He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow".

I said, "You're obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I replied, "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the ER.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Hat tip to Mike L!

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"Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them." - Karl Popper

“Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants. It is the creed of slaves.” - William Pitt

"Logic. There is little logic among the cultural elite, maybe because there is little omnipresent fear of job losses or the absence of money, and so arises a rather comfortable margin to indulge in nonsense." - Victor Davis Hanson

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